Dear Danny – What to do with an Internet Stalker?
Internet Stalkers and what to do with them, today on Dear Danny.
Background: I get messages from time to time from people who remember me from "Dear Danny" on My Sun. I can't promise to answer them all, but if they are interesting, and I'm in a good mood...
Dear Danny,
My name is Helen, I am 27, pretty normal, my ex is 25, pretty freaky: he is an internet stalker. We went out for a year and split up when I ended it with him. This was almost 4 years ago when we were at Uni in Cardiff, but now he keeps sending me messages on Facebook, and it freaks me out. Sometimes I think he will never let me go! Help! It was 4 years ago! I have an internet stalker! What can I do?
Helen, I am sorry to hear that you are freaked out by this guy. These days. it is much easier to find people by using the Net, and so you are much more likely to hear from exes who you'd much rather stayed where they belong - in the past.
I hear more and more of these stories, and even I have been on the receiving end of a Facebook ex: we dated briefly 15 years ago, saw each other very rarely since, and yet out of the blue I got a scathing missive telling me I was a rat (for the record, I wasn't a rat, just very very young and inexperienced at the time).
We need to be careful with the term "stalker". If he is making threats (direct or implied), constantly shading your actions, is obsessed with you, wishing West Nile Virus on you and boiling your bunny, then he may warrant the title, but more often than not, we ourselves freak out when someone from our past suddenly reappears in our life, and we make it worse by engaging in old arguments.
If, however, he is an Internet Stalker, you should not put up with it, and make sure you put an end to things right away.
In both cases, your initial course of action should be as follows:
1. Don't take the bait. If he's bitter, then anything negative you say will just add fuel to the fire. Remember you loved him once. Now, don't feed any negativity in you or him.
2. Send him a polite note saying that you would prefer that you two would not stay in touch. Advise him to add you to his "Block list" on Facebook and that you'll do the same.
3. Make sure he is no longer on your friends list (If he still was. I hope you had him removed as soon as trouble brewed).
4. Now block him on Facebook: click on the "privacy" link on the top right-hand side, and you'll see the Block List box: enter his name and confirm:
5. Finally, and for good measure, ensure only your approved friends can send you private messages. This will ensure that your ex - and any new ones you create along the way - do not sign up with new accounts and send you messages from those. The default setting on Facebook is that ANYONE can send you a message. You can control this setting under "Privacy" --> "Search".
Of course, if he is determined, he will find out your email address and other contact details. If this happens, make it clear again that you do not want to stay in touch and that you will contact the police.
If you feel threatened at any time, do contact the police right away.
Dear Danny Should I Enlarge My Breasts (you what?)
I got the following in my mailbox today. It goes to show that you never quite leave The Sun.
Dear Danny,
So I found you again. I sent you a question when you were doing Ask Danny on The Sun, and you didnt reply so maybe now youll answer my question like you did answer questions for other Dear Danny questions. I am 28 and good looking everyone says but I cant seem to find a boyfriend and I keep going out and on the internet and none of these guys are great, and I am thinking maybe if I get bigger breasts it will work for me, but I know you will say it is only vain. I am worried I will always be alone and I am fed up. I want a nice boyfriend like everyone else? Will you answer me this time please You can put this on your blog but please dont my name.
S. xxx [name withheld]
Dear 'S',
What a shocker, you tracked me down! Well, welcome to my blog. It's been quite a while since I responded to questions on 'Ask Danny', but as you've taken the time to find me, here are my thoughts for what they're worth:
There seem to be a lot of people out there who are settling down later in life and have more fun for longer in their 20's 30's and 40's. It strikes me that part of the challenge is that as we become more mature, our requirements-list for a partner becomes longer, and we're less adaptable to compromise. Maybe it's a sign of the times. Maybe that's something that we, as a society, will have to deal with in the future.
It also strikes me that punctuation and grammar are going down the drain. Maybe we'll have to deal with that too, as a society, in the future.
But all the above is no good to you at all, so here are a few bullet-points in Dear Danny fashion:
- Stop looking so hard - desperation is palpable from miles away, and isn't attractive. If you sent me this question back in the day, and you sent it to me again now, you're obviously preoccupied with it, and trust me, this preoccupation scares men witless. So..
- Stop looking for him, and start enjoying yourself instead. If you do, you're actually much more likely to meet someone. Here's my guarantee: the moment you genuinely stop looking, that's when it will happen.
- Don't enhance your breasts if your aim is to net a man. That usually has the opposite effect, and you'll be left forever wondering if they want you for you, or for... them two.
- My mate M. offered to help you out, but he's got a girlfriend already, so here's another warning for you: beware of married men!
- Make sure you're surrounded by friends. Friends are the number one way to meet the right guy.
And finally - maybe it's time to work on your self esteem. You'd be amazed how many attractive people have issues with how they look, and feelings of low self-worth. Find a confidence course, take up a martial art, do something different and new to rejuvenate you.
Do let me know how you get on! Good luck!
That (Dear) Danny