Dear Danny – What to do with an Internet Stalker?
Internet Stalkers and what to do with them, today on Dear Danny.
Background: I get messages from time to time from people who remember me from "Dear Danny" on My Sun. I can't promise to answer them all, but if they are interesting, and I'm in a good mood...
Dear Danny,
My name is Helen, I am 27, pretty normal, my ex is 25, pretty freaky: he is an internet stalker. We went out for a year and split up when I ended it with him. This was almost 4 years ago when we were at Uni in Cardiff, but now he keeps sending me messages on Facebook, and it freaks me out. Sometimes I think he will never let me go! Help! It was 4 years ago! I have an internet stalker! What can I do?
Helen, I am sorry to hear that you are freaked out by this guy. These days. it is much easier to find people by using the Net, and so you are much more likely to hear from exes who you'd much rather stayed where they belong - in the past.
I hear more and more of these stories, and even I have been on the receiving end of a Facebook ex: we dated briefly 15 years ago, saw each other very rarely since, and yet out of the blue I got a scathing missive telling me I was a rat (for the record, I wasn't a rat, just very very young and inexperienced at the time).
We need to be careful with the term "stalker". If he is making threats (direct or implied), constantly shading your actions, is obsessed with you, wishing West Nile Virus on you and boiling your bunny, then he may warrant the title, but more often than not, we ourselves freak out when someone from our past suddenly reappears in our life, and we make it worse by engaging in old arguments.
If, however, he is an Internet Stalker, you should not put up with it, and make sure you put an end to things right away.
In both cases, your initial course of action should be as follows:
1. Don't take the bait. If he's bitter, then anything negative you say will just add fuel to the fire. Remember you loved him once. Now, don't feed any negativity in you or him.
2. Send him a polite note saying that you would prefer that you two would not stay in touch. Advise him to add you to his "Block list" on Facebook and that you'll do the same.
3. Make sure he is no longer on your friends list (If he still was. I hope you had him removed as soon as trouble brewed).
4. Now block him on Facebook: click on the "privacy" link on the top right-hand side, and you'll see the Block List box: enter his name and confirm:
5. Finally, and for good measure, ensure only your approved friends can send you private messages. This will ensure that your ex - and any new ones you create along the way - do not sign up with new accounts and send you messages from those. The default setting on Facebook is that ANYONE can send you a message. You can control this setting under "Privacy" --> "Search".
Of course, if he is determined, he will find out your email address and other contact details. If this happens, make it clear again that you do not want to stay in touch and that you will contact the police.
If you feel threatened at any time, do contact the police right away.